This phrase spoke poignantly to me today, after having struggled with the comments of friends in the back of my mind for hours. Self reflection is very important, as is the practice of discussing things with friends and others that share your values in order to root your ideas. However the problem is that as we mull things around in our heads, the decisions that we come to do not necessarily have any basis in reality. Sound a bit harsh? Think about it. Have you ever convinced yourself that something is absolutely true, only to find out later that you were dead wrong? Ever been convinced that something terrible (or wonderful) was going to happen, but then been disappointed?
My mother has had a word for this phenomenon for years. She calls these thoughts 'gremlins'. Pretty appropriate. Little nagging voices from the back of your mind saying you that you MUST do this, or that you failed at that, or that everyone is laughing at you. In other words, anxieties. However the problem with gremlins is that they're a little more clever than your basic worry-worted disquiet. (Or maybe they just plague a different kind of person. Have you ever had a friend who tell you to "just forget about it", when you're upset, to "shrug it off" or that suggests that you "just don't let it bother you"? This kind of person must exist outside of whatever mental state it is that I exist in. Either that, or they're not very empathetic.) These "advanced" doubts use logic to convince you that they are correct and the due course of action calls for discouragement, gloom, and further dismay. For example, when someone treats me unfairly, I have a very hard time letting go, because I try to reflect and determine if I did anything wrong. This has driven some of my acquaintances (mostly males) crazy, because they think that I can't let go because I am angry. Generally, that's pretty off-base... because if I'm obsessing then I'm usually trying to decide if I even should be angry. Because, I muse, I must decide this to determine how to act towards the person... and if I don't then they'll continue to disrespect me, but if I'm wrong then they'll tell everyone what a jerk I am.. and so on.
But I'm getting away from my point, which is the disconnect between your mental reality and, well, reality. I think this mainly causes problems when you're trying to make decisions in two circumstances. First, when the future is unsure (ie, always), and second, when basing a decision off of what someone else is thinking. I have struggled with both types of situations. My mind can chug along for hours, creating risk assessment scenarios like the best investment banker. If this happens and I did this then, ....if that occurs and I respond with such.... Eventually I usually come to some kind of conclusion, based on sort of an emotional hillclimbing algorithm. Pick the best possible response, even if it may not be perfect. The problem is that my "model" is always based off of a number of assumptions.. most of which usually don't even turn out to be true. People change plans and change their minds. A train comes late or the store doesn't have the ingredients for the meal you decided on. You might spend hours wondering why so and so said something to you this morning, and can build up evidence until kingdom come to point to the conclusion that they're mad at you, but that might just be dead wrong, and this is what you're basing your feelings and future actions on.
It's upsetting, because I think that many of us have spent hours and hours on decisions like these; whether a new job will be better than the old one, whether to say something in an ethical dilemma, or what the response will be should you ask out the cute guy (or gal) at the gym. And no matter what answer you settle on, there is absolutely no guarantee that it's going to be right, no matter how long it takes you to come up with it, because there are just too many darned variables to account for.
So what can we do? Do we forget the worrying and wing it? Or obsess and hope for the best? Personally, I think that I've gotten the best results when I "kiss it up to God". I think that praying helps. If that doesn't work for you, I think the other most important thing is to be calm and keep an open mind. Sometimes you will just know what's right in the moment. Other times you won't- but then again, who is to say that two things weren't equally right, or that there even was a best answer to the problem?
I'm a huge hypocrite for writing this, because I come from the royal family of worry, obsession, and anxiety. But I think that even we are learning to relinquish a little control to random fates once in a while, because after a while you realize that all of that anxiety takes a lot of energy.
(I know this song might not be entirely appropriate for this entry, but as a close friend reminded me recently, songs can mean different things to different people. So.)
The Killers- Mr Brightside
I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go
And I just can’t look - it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies [acoustic version of the song says: "Swimming through sick lullabies"]
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside
I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go
'Cause I just can’t look - it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies [acoustic version of the song says: "Swimming through sick lullabies"]
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside
I never...
I never...
I never...
I never..
image from http://farm1.static.flickr.com/26/37788533_dbe3fca3b3.jpg
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