Campaign platform

Three reasons why I should be elected Assistant to the Regional Manager of the Universe

1. One of the most prevalent problems in American society today is obesity. However, nearly every known person ever born loves to ice skate. Why then, aren't more Americans (and human beings in general) maintaining their health through ice skating? The problem, clearly, is that people are afraid of contracting a foot fungus from rented skates. I will move to support laws holding ice skating rinks responsible for the physical and psychological trauma resulting from their negligence.  institutions will be held responsible for paying for damages to skaters caused by fungus-related illnesses, including DNA testing to confirm that the fungus originated from improperly sterilized footwear.

2. By request of Rosie, my associate, I propose to ban all moving electronics. This includes, but is not limited to the iRobot vacuum, oscillating fans, motorized Christmas displays, electronic trains, and any other objects which might startle any alert or sensitive individual whose bloodline has been pruned over millions of years to produce the most fierce hunter to ever have lived (her words, not mine). It is crucial that we ban and dismember all such threatening man-made contraptions, and as a precaution we should hesitantly bat them with our paw from a safe distance, just to be sure.

3. Mandatory Ice Cream Wednesdays (MICW). Dependent upon the success of the first aim, Americans will be able to safely intake a few extra calories. In light of the high rate of depression in adults, I believe that instituting mandatory frozen dairy consumption in the middle of the week could make one of the most positive  impacts on society since the introduction of Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow in Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean movies. In addition, there are few things as wholesome as eating hand-made ice cream from a sugar cone (the way ice cream was  MEANT to be eaten) and this will be an excellent way to combat the indecent reputation that Wednesday has recently acquired as "hump" day.  I believe that MICW will increase overall happiness and self-esteem; as my close friend Katelyn was fond of saying, "They're not love handles if nobody loves you," but how could you NOT love someone supplying you with frozen goodness? Thus, all Americans will again appreciate themselves in a healthy way, and lead better, happier, more quality lives.


Thank you, and God bless America.