Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Surrender all hope, ye who are single

I apologize but this is going to be a rantful, self-pitying etc entry that I just can't help.

The problem appears to be that I feel as if I've dated pretty much every guy in Connecticut.

Or, for clarity, let me rephrase. I've either been on a date with- or at least chatted online with- nearly every male in Connecticut, and decided that they weren't for me.

This poses somewhat of a problem, for me personally, but also for other females in the area, or so I believe. There seems to be a real shortage of desirable guys. Now I may be a little picky, and I may scare away any males who happen to be reading this, but I really must get my frustration out.

I'll begin with problems on the website-meeting end of things. First of all, let's just put it out there. Don't go on a dating website if you don't have a job. Think that's unfair? Well think about this: the people who are reading your profile KNOW how much the site costs, and thus assume that you have some kind of excess money. You know, to pay for little things like dinner, movie tickets, coffee, breath mints.... it's like putting yourself out there before you're over your last relationship. If you're broke, then chances are you just don't have the funds to jump start a relationship. (Plus, shouldn't you putting all this time and energy towards getting a job?) For the record, I'm a huge proponent of girls paying for themselves but if you can't cough up your share then honey, no dice.

This next one is aimed at all you guys whose profiles read "I'm really into sports. Blah bleh and whatsit are my favorite teams. I like going to sporting events etc etc etc." Newsflash: I don't give a crap that you like sports. You're a MALE. It's a given. If you MUST, just list ONE team that you follow, and that's the end of it. Is the best reflection of your inner self the different names on the overpriced jerseys that you wear? Really, if you can't expand your horizons beyond just baseball, or football, or whatever, then I think you're going to have trouble in a serious relationship.

My next complaint is about guys once you actually get into conversations with or make the effort to meet (I was going to say "subject yourself to a meeting with", but then that sounded too cynical.) I think that you should absolutely be yourself when on a date or meeting someone, but still, you want to make yourself look GOOD- physically as well as emotionally/mentally. When looking for potential suitors on a dating site, all of us females have the lurking suspicion in the back of our minds that you might be on there because you just can't cut it in a relationship, that there is something that you just don't GET about females, that you're afraid of commitment, or overly picky, or full of yourselves, you're a psycho racist arsonist-killer who gives lethal foot rubs, etc. I (hope) I give guys a fair chance to show that none of these stereotypes apply. However, I get discouraged when it seems that many guys don't give a moments' notice to a single thing that comes out of their mouth. No, I don't want to talk about gun control on a first date. I don't want to hear excuses about how you lost your job because some higher-up "didn't like you" (please see above), or for that matter, why you still live with your parents (which should be something you make clear UP FRONT and sorry loser but.... lame), or fake plans as to when you're moving out (out of the three guys I've met who have filled this criteria, all were planning on moving out "really soon" -ok yeah). It would be nice if you asked me a question or two instead of just blathering on about yourself. Also a compliment might be nice, and much more appreciated then you paying for my $3 coffee. Am I ranting yet? Don't tell me vulgar stories about your immature friends- let's follow the rule that stories that don't involve any females should not be repeated to females because it's probably a sign that they didn't want to be there when whatever was going on happened. And most importantly, do NOT ask me for a second date while still on the FIRST, unless I say something that implies I'm enjoying it such as, "I'm having a nice time" or, "I haven't had this good of a time in a while" or, "are you sure I'm not dreaming?" It puts us in a really awkward position. How many people can actually reject others to their FACE, when they clearly like you more than you like them? Make the effort to keep your pie hole closed and send me a text, an email, or god forbid a PHONE CALL saying you had a nice time and would be interested in meeting again. Also, don't make ME decide everything... have a PLAN of where to take me next. It's called being romantic, you might want to figure that out before date #2.

And to tie off the loose ends... tips for guys for whom there will be be no date #2 (or, sometimes, date #1). Let's put "rejection" in a better light. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't feel like the two of you are a good match? (Case in point: pity makeout sessions are not good makeout sessions.) So if you can handle this, and ACTUALLY want to be friends, then do it. If you can't handle it, then get out. No girl who rejected you romantically is going to force you to be friends with her unless she's a jerk, so keep that in mind. Guys, if you continue to compare all of your following dates to her, then you can't be friends. If you're going to be insulted by her talking about her new boyfriend when she gets one, then you can't be friends. And if you're going to feel offended if she's not available to talk all the time, or if she doesn't pay enough attention to you, then you also can't be friends. Oh and one more rule; don't try to date her friends to make her jealous. That just makes you more repulsive to her, because it implies that you're an uncommitted horndog who never liked her that much in the first place. And on the other side of the coin, I know doling out rejections is unpleasant, but be kind. Also, it's kind of nice to have a hint as to why you think it won't work... like were you bored, am I too political, did my makeup look like Bridget Jone's after that time she put blush on in the car...

Anyways, that's my dating rant. If anyone has any constructive criticism, I'd love to hear it. Otherwise, maybe someone could find me Viggo Mortensen's phone number....?