Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dumb Things That Guys Say II

Let me begin by saying that I am not a man-hater. I have some very close male friends who I hold in high esteem. I trust them and we share laughs, exchange advice, have intelligent and professional conversations, and give each other mutual respect. DTTGS is not about these men; it's about all the other ones who are so ridiculous that they sometimes eclipse the good ones in my mind (but only for a little while :) ). So, bring it on...


 "I'm a laid-back guy."
(This is NEVER true. Ask them to change their shirt before going out to dinner and you will see just how UNlaid-back they can be.)

 "If you're uncomfortable about something, don't talk about it."
(Always a good strategy for resolving relationship problems.)

Girl: "No, I don't like horror/suspense/romantic comedies/porn movies."
Guy: "This one is different. Why don't you come over and we can watch it sometime?"

"Men and women can never be 'just friends'."

"Cuddling is gay."
(How many times have we heard a variation of this one, ladies?!)

(After changing the channel) "I didn't know you were watching that."

 "I'm very minorly involved with someone."
(Can someone please define minorly in this sentence? Is the guy describing meeting a female in line at the grocery store and promising to call her or promised to a stranger in a planned marriage? Judging from the type of guy who would characterize a romantic interaction as "minor", it could be either one.)

 "I thought it might make you angry so I didn't bring it up."

 "I forgive you."

 "I can treat you as a strong woman colleague and with respect... It is just, unfortunately then we couldn't be friends."
(When guys say things like this it makes my head want to explode.)

 "How do you know what a Phillips head is??"

 "If I wasn't having casual sex with someone, I'd totally make out with you."

 "You could be Britney Spears/a Spice Girl/Katy Perry for Halloween!"

"I can't watch What Not to Wear/Gilmore Girls/Sex and the City because it's for girls."

"He's just being your friend because he's hoping he'll get to sleep with you at some point."

EXTRA SUPER BONUS: Messages from mega-creepers on dating sites!!

"I think it cool wat u do 4 work."

"Intelligence + Creativity has always always inspired me to the extent that I start losing my self-respect if I seem to lack it on a comparative scale."  (huh...)

" Why is it so hard to get to know you. Can you please tell me if there is a problem."
(This was the entire message. I hadn't ever spoken to him before. So again.... huh????)

"I know you probably won't be, but would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? I'm polite, middle-aged and take good care of my appearance."
(As if THAT makes it worth it..)

"Hey there! My heart was hardened and I never thought I'd be able to open up and feel the lovely, beautiful things in life again. But I must say that after reading your profile, which I thought was insightful, painfully honest, and amazing by the way, that the sheer beauty, intelligence and kindness you exude has melted the frozen, crystalline fortress surrounding my heart, and I feel alive again for the first time in years. Moreover, and I'm sorry for being so forward, I think you're a breathtakingly gorgeous, radiant, magical, intelligent, lovely goddess, and I'd love to grow close to you and sweep you off your feet. So, if you're not opposed to getting to know a tall, goofy, nerdy, honest, chivalrous, loving barefoot poet, then you should totally message me back!

P.S. You're the only person I felt a cosmic, esoteric connection to, and as such, the only person I felt comfortable enough messaging. No pressure. :-P"

(Really. You felt a cosmic connection to me through a handful of pictures and a description that basically boils down to my job, religion, and body type. I must be missing something that you're not.)

That's all for now folks, but don't worry, I'm sure there will be more fodder for DTTGS in the weeks and months to come! V3

New Year Resolutions

My resolutions, draft 1

1. Limit my cookie consumption to 2 per day
2. Run a half marathon
3. Quit watching Hoarding: Buried Alive and Storage Wars
4. Wear shoes practical shoes that my physical therapist would approve of
5. Vacuum the apartment once a week
6. Date quality men
7. Get to work by 9am

My resolutions, draft 2

1. Decrease my cookie consumption to 2 after lunch and 2 after dinner
2. Run a 10K
3. Only watch the first 15 minutes of Hoarding: Buried Alive episodes and change channels before I get depressed; stop watching Storage Wars
4. Wear practical, P.T. approved shoes to work
5. Buy replacement filter for vacuum so that I can vacuum once a week
6. Find quality men to date
7. Get to work by 9am three days a week

Resolutions, draft 3
1. Eat fewer than 10 cookies a day
2. "Run" a 10K on an elliptical
3. Allow self to watch 1 hr of Hoarding per day, but stop cancelling social engagements in favor of watching the show instead. Also allow self to watch Storage Wars, but get over crush on Barry.
4. Bring practical shoes to work to wear for half the day
5. Figure out the model number of my vacuum so that I can buy filter and vacuum once a week.
6. Find employed men to date
7. Get to work by 9:30 three days a week, so long as I have time to put makeup on first.

Res. draft 4
1. Stop eating cookies at a rate of 2/hr
2. Spend at least 30 min 3x a week with running shoes on (bonus points if I'm working out during this time).
3. Maintain current #hrs spent watching Hoarders (screw social engagements), but refrain from sending Barry invitations to my birthday party c/o A&E
4. Keep a pair of practical shoes at work, to wear while sitting at desk as long as feet remain hidden
5. Research prices on new vacuums, mine is outdated anyway
6. Find men without any obvious physical or mental defects to date
7. Get to work by 9:30 on occasions when I don't have to pack a lunch

2012 Resolutions
1. Hide cookie addiction from coworkers.
2. Watch a marathon on TV.
3. Move to Las Vegas and outbid Barry on a locker full of mementos and vintage instruments, causing him to fall madly in love with me. Hoard these items and accumulate further useless junk so that we can be featured together on an episode of Hoarders.
4. Preserve practical shoes in closet for use when I'm classified as geriatric.
5. Hire maid/teach cat to clean apt.
6. Avoid men.
7. Show up to work.

Monday, January 2, 2012

I make room for new ideas

My mom bought me a subscription for Daily Word, a collection of unique writings for every day of the month. It's a faith-based publication, very loosely Christian, and I think that most people would find the readings peaceful and motivating.

The topic for yesterday (which I read this morning) is the header of this post. I won't replicate the entire thing here, but one part that particularly spoke to me was this:
I dedicate this day to new ideas, new viewpoints and renewed living. I leave behind outgrown thoughts of past limitations and lack. I let go of old grudges and outdated viewpoints. Fresh ideas refresh my mind. I make room for new, vital, healthy and prosperous ideas.
 After my decision to shed unhealthy relationships, these words moved me and comforted me. It will be difficult to hold on and maintain this outlook of avoiding connections that are harmful to me (I'm a sucker for a guy in need... I always want to take care of people, but just because they're hurting doesn't mean they can't still hurt you). The good news is, as I have discussed with my good friend this morning, once you start to form good habits, they become more second nature and less forced. In time, it will be the easy decision to keep my heart safe, and not the challenging one.

Oh, and I'm sorry all the entries have been serious... I promise a bonus post-holiday Dumb Things The Guys Say by the end of tomorrow!!