Friday, February 21, 2014

This day has been exceptionally stupid.
I did my hair but the humidity ruined it.
It's raining, but not enough to use an umbrella.
It's warm, but not enough to turn down the heat.
My work computer is broken, but when I got to the cafe with my laptop I found they're closing at 4 until spring.
i give up
i m going home to eat pizza and ice cream, naked, in front of the tv
and i ll be watching infomercials
for Kardashian skin care products.

Monday, February 3, 2014

What's In My Bag?

Inspired by US Weekly's feature, What's In My Bag?

A scientist and self-described fashionista, I carry a purse that hails the Boy scout motto, Always be prepared. (And don't get me started on the Boy scouts. It's totally unfair that they got to ride on floats in parades while us Girl scouts didn't. I don't care if it's dangerous.)

Pinching Pennies
Couponing is all the rage, and I'm no exception! "I keep all my coupons in an outside pocket of my purse. That way, they're always with me when I go to the store. Except when I go after the gym and don't have my purse. ...which turns out to be roughly 90% of the time."

Write It Down
"The key to managing so many students while staying on top of my own responsibilities is tough." The key is to keep reminders of all the important tasks that need to be done. For example, write things like "Wednesday, Feb 4 2:30pm" so you don't be busy at that time. And remember to be Earth-friendly: "I like to recycle. If there's a coupon with a white back, or a card from someone I don't like, I use them as I would notecards. It makes me feel very Bohemian."

Protect Your Privacy
Identity theft is on the rise, and the modern woman needs to protect herself. "I save all of my receipts so that no one can go dumpster diving and snatch my credit card number." Then, the receipts can be disposed of by ripping them into roughly 12,000 little pieces or deposited in a plastic bag being used for cat litter disposal. "I learned this from Lisbeth in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series. She would rip up receipts and throw them away in different trash cans in the airport so as not to leave a trail. At least, it's the same idea." ...until you forgot to empty the receipts out of your purse and realize it's overflowing with literally hundreds of them. Eh.

Grassroots Community Living
"I love that the town I live in has so many unique events. For example, there's a place on main street that has live music every Friday, from seasoned bluegrass musicians to teenage jazz quartets." You can grab advertisements for roller derby bouts, comedians, free yoga sessions and children or family events. Of course, if you're in grad school, you'll never have time to go to any of them.

Showing Her Maturity
"I always carry Gas-X. You never know when flatulence will attack!" I also try to have at least two types of painkillers for my arthritis, dairy digestive pills (to prevent the flatulence in the first place), and lots of tissues. If I'm going on a long trip, I sometimes empty an Altoids tin and fill it with Sudafed, Tums, and other pills I might need. Medication keeps you young at heart.

Sunday, February 2, 2014

Pooper bowl

Today I'm learning football for the first time, since no one in the past has successfully explained it to me."It looks like rocks being thrown at other rocks," I complained to my boyfriend. As in, the players are rocks. And I guess they're not so much being thrown as running into each other but rocks can't run so that's why I didn't say that in the first place. Whatever.

So I'm asking lots of questions and the only major setback so far has been that my boyfriend neglected to call me in from the kitchen when the Star Wars commercial came on (boyfriend FAIL). (He's giving me the finger as I'm writing this.)

Anyway, so far I've learned:

-You're not allowed to hold onto someone, even if you're falling down. The exception is if someone has stolen your wallet, but apparently you're not supposed to have your wallet on the field, in which case I'm not sure how they would identify your body.
*I've just been informed that you're only not allowed to hold onto someone even if you're falling down only if they're receiving a pass. So I guess it's analogous to a cock block, in that if you're the blocker, that's not allowed.

-Pee in your mouthguard is not a reason for a flag.

-"Seahawks" is a common name for the same bird known as the shithawk of Nova Scotia.

-A "down" is a measure of time, assuming that time is circular. Circular time allows for repetition and therefore infinite possibilities, which is why football games can last for an eternity.

-You aren't allowed to trip other players. You are allowed to tackle them to the point of concussion. Much like spousal abuse.>:(

-In order to make a touchdown, you don't actually have to touch anything down to the ground. I literally did not know that until this very moment.

-You're allowed to have a visor in your helmet. You're not allowed to have laser beams. I'm not aware of whether or not you can watch Youtube videos.

-The main  purpose of the Superbowl is to provide an excuse to eat cream cheese. (Reference: my sister)