Saturday, September 29, 2012

I know what I'll stand for

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...

I'm in a strange situation. I've been interested in someone for the past month or so. The catch is that he won't be staying in the area after the next 6 months or so. 

As y'all know, I've been on dates with a lot of guys. I make some decisions that others might view as rude, because I don't like to waste my time (and if I gave some to every clueless creeper who wanted it, I would have probably have wasted YEARS). I won't date just any old person even though I very much want to be in a relationship. So I've had a conundrum thinking about the situation with this guy, because it seems to be a waste of time in the long run, but in many ways he's several steps above most men in the general population.

I've spent much time in the past three years of my life coming to terms with what it will mean for me to be a scientist. In part I've thought a great deal about my real and potential romantic relationships, and how I might (or might not) be able to dovetail them with my career. One very important conclusion I've come to is that no matter what may occur, I will have to go where I need to (and want to) for my job. I don't know how this will affect my relationships- I've often hoped that I will find a man who likes to travel and whose job isn't rooted to one place. But that's quite a gamble and when entering into most relationships I know I might have to face the consequences of putting my career before my partner's wishes.

The thing is, I'm willing to live this way. First of all, my dedication to my career hasn't been the end of any of my relationships thus far; I'd characterize most if these endings as the result of incompatibility (not to mention immaturity!) (sorry-my sass is showing). Second, due in part to my time at Fairfield University, I periodically step back to take stock of my life. Overall, I'm very happy with where I am. But I've also come to the conclusion that for me, work is not enough in itself to satisfy all of the aspects of myself. I enjoy being in a healthy relationship and know that there are parts of me that can only be satisfied by that. This is why I don't regret the majority of the relationships I've had. I recognize their value even if they ended negatively. I recognize that 90% of the guys out there are not even remotely what I'm looking for, and recognize the rarity of finding one that's compatible.

It follows that even as I enter a relationship, I accept the fact that I might end up getting hurt. It's risk management. I protect my investments (time, energy and emotions) by being choosy about who I spend my time with, but I recognize that there is no guarantee. In my mind putting myself in a position where I might get hurt is balanced by the beauty of time spent with someone I care about and who cares about me. Some may think I'm crazy. My therapist congratulates me for getting back on the horse. But having spent time recently trying to accept that the implications of my career-driven goals and my abnormal level of maturity for my 26 years might add up to quite a few more years waiting for a mate who fits with me, I have to ask: Should I spend all of that time alone? From my experiences thus far, I say no. It's worth the risk.

The only problem is that the other person might not see it this way.

Some Nights

Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa oh oh

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I? mmm... mmm...

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know... (come on)

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of that for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

(Come on)

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible lies...ahhh...

Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh
Oh whoa, oh whoa, oh whoa, oh oh

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I'd rather be happy than do everything right

One of the most dangerous pitfalls of people who are dedicated workers and passionate about their careers is the desire to do each and every thing absolutely perfectly. On the one hand you might say, of course! Why would anyone want to do something wrong? But then again, it takes an incredible amount of time and discipline to do everything right. But if you want to be your best, isn't this what you have to do?

I think this is one of the critical points in life wherein we must choose to be a little more or a little less human. Doing everything correctly may appear to be the most responsible thing, thus the correct course and the choice for the most hardworking son of a gun. But I distinctly remember an episode of CSI that utilized the quote "Sometimes the hardest thing to do is nothing at all." My boyfriend at the time vehemently argued with this statement, saying that it is the mantra for lazy people and that not doing something is infinitely easier than doing it. But is it really? For those of us feeling the pressure to succeed and constantly produce work better than our last product, to rise above the competition and shine as the highest achiever in the post-5 year reunion world, is it really always more difficult to do than to not do?

Working late instead of sleeping becomes habit. Foregoing social events may be the norm. Spending idle hours on the couch in front of the television might seem pointless and irresponsible. But how many of these things can we give up before they start to be trademarks of our lifestyle? When does doing readings on a weeknight instead of going to dinner with a friend turn into the parent who was always the last to arrive at daycare? Is skipping a walk to enjoy the fall air so you can put the final touches on a presentation going to turn into being an absent spouse? I'm not saying these choices are easy. Just the opposite really; I know that risking being seen as sub par invokes a great deal of anxiety. And worse, this anxiety is never going to abate on its own. We may think that when we get to a certain level of achievement or management or income or whatever, we"ll feel safe. The truth is, we will only feel safe when we allow ourselves to, by consciously opposing our anxieties and allowing ourselves to relax and be happy.

Outside circumstances vary, and sometimes they suck. But even in good times happiness is a choice that we must make for ourselves. The truth is that life will never be perfect, and neither will we. Whether we can accept this, or instead keep chasing after an unachievable goal can transform the course of our entire lives.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My unofficial jobs


A glimpse into the glamorous life of a grad student

Office manager
Book lice bleacher
Snack drawer stocker
Desk duster
Freezer defroster/de-icer
Translator (languages: PI, undergrad, cat, irony)
Baked goods provider
Copy maker
Room reservationist
Meeting scheduler
Mold and mildew battler
Old Wise One
Coordinator of lab chores
Safety officer
Sample curator (samples 1992-2011)
Lab decorator
Cockroach trapper
Decorative plant waterer
Dead plant disposal
Over the counter pharmacist
Keeper of the keys (for the paper towel dispensers)
Course choice adviser
Red tape navigator
Professional whiner
Email draft proofreader
AV technician
Fry stealer
Book lender
Big picture reminder
PI whisperer
Ice cream break coordinator
Data detangler
Fashion violation officer

In addition, I'm the only one who calls in malfunctioning light bulbs, changes the PCR machine signup calendar, turns off the autoclave alarm, and puts signs on the dishwasher when the undergrads continue to run it when it's flooding.

Breakup movies

Forest Gump (personally I can watch this one twice in a row when I'm really sad)
Field of Dreams
Footloose (ok some romance but it also has really great music and a tractor contest so I say its ok)
The African Queen
Every Hitchcock movie ever!
Baby Mama
Walk the Line
Finding Nemo (duuuuuhh)
The Sound of Music
All three LOTR movies
Uncle Buck
Trains Planes and Automobiles
Toy Story
Batman movies (but u already knew that)
Jaws (Hahahahahah jk)
Jurassic Park
Back to the FUTURE (only the first one though the other obvs get annoying when you're sad)
The Muppets, The Muppets Take NY, Muppets in Space, etc etc

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Sharks of the heart

Breakups are the sharks of the heart.

They chew you up and spit you out. Their approach is stealthy and all too fast, impossible to prevent until its too late. The destruction they leave in their wake is shocking to the point of awe.

Breakups are shitty.

It's awful when you can't figure out what went wrong. It's also awful when you know exactly what your mistakes were. Nothing helps, but you want friends to try. You feel like everyone knows even though you're also invisible. The weight of the world presses down on you even though you feel like nothing is real.

There are stages, just like any period of grief- although grieving for other reasons generally doesn't make you want to key someone's car. At first you cry all the time and the short periods where you don't you have a stuffy nose. (During this period you are allowed to stay home sick from work but you should still shower.) This period generally overlaps with a time of anger and believing your former partner is the sum of the earth. This may or may not be true, but usually it helps to believe it. During this time you should change the name your ex is listed under uv your phone so that you don't call or text them through drunkenness or an accident motivated by your subconscious. (We recommend adding a "z" to the beginning of your ex s name to move their entry to the bottom of your address book; an alternative is to add the prefix "douschebag" to their name.)

During the initial tears and anger you will probably feel very alone, and as if no one understands. You will believe that what you had with whoever was different from the feelings between every other pair of people. That's because it was. You will believe that you will never find the same experiences again, and you won't (but many times this is actually a good thing.) Secretly you will hope that you and So and So are destined to be together and that things will work out. They might, but probably not. There are billions of people in this world and chances are there is someone else who will fit better with you.

You may experience numbness and depression. You may not want to sleep or eat, or you might only sleep or devour high calorie foods. You might drink, or exercise obsessively, or fight, or otherwise hurt yourself.

But there will come a day when your pain is a little less painful. And maybe it won't be the very most important thing in your life. And then it will be a little bit less. And less. I don't think anyone believes they will get through a truly painful breakup, but people do. You get to the point where all you want to do is
forget, and then you do forget. And then after a very long while sometimes you can remember again and not regret it.

This entry is dedicated to Dory.

posted from Bloggeroid