Saturday, May 14, 2011

And my stomach is sick- but it’s all in my head


This phrase spoke poignantly to me today, after having struggled with the comments of friends in the back of my mind for hours. Self reflection is very important, as is the practice of discussing things with friends and others that share your values in order to root your ideas. However the problem is that as we mull things around in our heads, the decisions that we come to do not necessarily have any basis in reality. Sound a bit harsh? Think about it. Have you ever convinced yourself that something is absolutely true, only to find out later that you were dead wrong? Ever been convinced that something terrible (or wonderful) was going to happen, but then been disappointed?
    My mother has had a word for this phenomenon for years. She calls these thoughts 'gremlins'. Pretty appropriate. Little nagging voices from the back of your mind saying you that you MUST do this, or that you failed at that, or that everyone is laughing at you. In other words, anxieties. However the problem with gremlins is that they're a little more clever than your basic worry-worted disquiet. (Or maybe they just plague a different kind of person. Have you ever had a friend who tell you to "just forget about it", when you're upset, to "shrug it off" or that suggests that you "just don't let it bother you"? This kind of person must exist outside of whatever mental state it is that I exist in. Either that, or they're not very empathetic.) These "advanced" doubts use logic to convince you that they are correct and the due course of action calls for discouragement, gloom, and further dismay. For example, when someone treats me unfairly, I have a very hard time letting go, because I try to reflect and determine if I did anything wrong. This has driven some of my acquaintances (mostly males) crazy, because they think that I can't let go because I am angry. Generally, that's pretty off-base... because if I'm obsessing then I'm usually trying to decide if I even should be angry. Because, I muse, I must decide this to determine how to act towards the person... and if I don't then they'll continue to disrespect me, but if I'm wrong then they'll tell everyone what a jerk I am.. and so on.
    But I'm getting away from my point, which is the disconnect between your mental reality and, well, reality. I think this mainly causes problems when you're trying to make decisions in two circumstances. First, when the future is unsure (ie, always), and second, when basing a decision off of what someone else is thinking. I have struggled with both types of situations. My mind can chug along for hours, creating risk assessment scenarios like the best investment banker. If this happens and I did this then, ....if that occurs and I respond with such.... Eventually I usually come to some kind of conclusion, based on sort of an emotional hillclimbing algorithm. Pick the best possible response, even if it may not be perfect. The problem is that my "model" is always based off of a number of assumptions.. most of which usually don't even turn out to be true. People change plans and change their minds. A train comes late or the store doesn't have the ingredients for the meal you decided on. You might spend hours wondering why so and so said something to you this morning, and can build up evidence until kingdom come to point to the conclusion that they're mad at you, but that might just be dead wrong, and this is what you're basing your feelings and future actions on.
    It's upsetting, because I think that many of us have spent hours and hours on decisions like these; whether a new job will be better than the old one, whether to say something in an ethical dilemma, or what the response will be should you ask out the cute guy (or gal) at the gym. And no matter what answer you settle on, there is absolutely no guarantee that it's going to be right, no matter how long it takes you to come up with it, because there are just too many darned variables to account for.
    So what can we do? Do we forget the worrying and wing it? Or obsess and hope for the best? Personally, I think that I've gotten the best results when I "kiss it up to God". I think that praying helps. If that doesn't work for you, I think the other most important thing is to be calm and keep an open mind. Sometimes you will just know what's right in the moment. Other times you won't- but then again, who is to say that two things weren't equally right, or that there even was a best answer to the problem?
    I'm a huge hypocrite for writing this, because I come from the royal family of worry, obsession, and anxiety. But I think that even we are learning to relinquish a little control to random fates once in a while, because after a while you realize that all of that anxiety takes a lot of energy.

(I know this song might not be entirely appropriate for this entry, but as a close friend reminded me recently, songs can mean different things to different people. So.)



The Killers- Mr Brightside

I'm coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

And I just can’t look - it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies [acoustic version of the song says: "Swimming through sick lullabies"]
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I’m coming out of my cage
And I’ve been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss, it was only a kiss
Now I’m falling asleep
And she’s calling a cab
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
Now they’re going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it’s all in my head
But she’s touching his chest
Now, he takes off her dress
Now, letting me go

'Cause I just can’t look - it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies [acoustic version of the song says: "Swimming through sick lullabies"]
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

I never...
I never...
I never...
I never..



image from http://farm1.static.flickr.com/26/37788533_dbe3fca3b3.jpg

Monday, May 9, 2011

Let's try something new

So since I pointed out to myself this weekend that this blog probably has a somewhat limited audience, I thought I might start posting and expanding upon some of my more (at least in my opinion) amusing gchat statuses. (Read: rants) So.

Dear people in charge of designing adapter plugs, Simplify, simplify. JUST KEEP EVERYTHING THE SAME. We'd rather use a giant outdated cord that works for everything rather then 23,000 cords, progressively becoming smaller in size, for each individual device. Sincerely, The population of the entire civilized world.

I am currently searching for the cord for my boss' hiking GPS to sync with the computer, so I don't have to manually type in EVERY SINGLE WAYPOINT (that's N and W coordinates) for all 76 samples. BLUUHHHH. But unfortunately I think I mistakenly brought THAT cord home, because in addition to the ever- smaller, individualized cord phenomenon, we in the technologically "advanced" world also suffer from the fact that each individualized cord looks extremely similar to the naked eye, especially the highly inaccurate grad student eye, suffering damage from endless hours of computer and tiny scientific paper print abuse. So I'm pretty sure the cord I brought home last week, thinking it was my cell phone cord, was actually the GPS cord.

Sigh.



I'm not the only one who's annoyed...! http://xkcd.com/927/  ...but yeah I guess there's really no solution :p

Friday, May 6, 2011

Fairy Tale Life

The controversy has long raged on whether television makes children more violent, encourages promiscuous behavior, and glamorizes poor choices. I like TV. It's a way to unwind, and watching it offers me a time when I don't have to think and can let something else be in control of the world for a while. I think my TV time is valuable and I think that all of the above arguments against TV have some merit to them. However there is another downfall that I have been thinking about lately that didn't even make the above list. It's the curse of the ending.

Books and movies inflict this twisted mental sentiment upon us also, but sometimes less so than TV shows. It is the idea that all problems can be solved and resolved. That you can deal with them once, and never again. The notion that a lifetime, or a quest, or the most important part of life is a story that can be told. At the end, the characters are left to rest, forever stationary in whatever state (usually happy, or at least content) they were left.

My musings on this subject are probably related to my time in life. I am establishing a career but after having spent three years "settling in" and "getting the hang of things", I realize that things are still not stagnant. We must keep moving forward.

In my opinion, this entirely stinks. In my early educational career, I was always persuaded to work hard so that I could get good grades, and someday get into a good college. When I got to college, I (very) quickly learned that this was certainly not the peaceful endpoint that I had been waiting for, and my next goal become establishing a career; getting into a graduate school. Then choosing a lab. Then finishing a paper. Passing the qualifying exam. Etc, etc.

The same winding journey mars my hopes of someday finding a decent enough male to enter into a blissful relationship with. Movies end with a wedding or a kiss. Books end with happily ever after. But how? Life goes on. Troubles get in your way. Even the happiest of couples have to face tensions, resolve issues. There is no such thing as an endless state of happiness.

On the one hand all this is very depressing. But on the other hand, it's a little inspiring. Although it is a lifetime of work, it is also a lifetime of learning and betterment (if we allow it to be). Theoretically, each new day is our highest point. We leave life at our pinnacle.

Sometimes thinking about all of the work I have to do makes me tired, and all I want to do is rest or worse, just give up and do something easy (whatever THAT would entail...). But when I look back and see how far I have come already, it kind of inspires me. It's like momentum. Since I've already made it this far without giving up, then it would be silly to do it now. I'll just stand up, and keep going. :)



You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright, you'll be alright

[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand, then you stand

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Oh