I MADE A MUG

Mug

View the entire collection of cards.

It's a sloth mug. See? We're all three toed sloths. ...kinda.

There's a boy in my office

A male grad student is rotating in my lab. We haven't had a full-time male in the lab since Alex, the PhD student who graduated two years ago. Sure, we have my boss and a few undergrads, but my boss has his own office, and other than the one new undergrad who comes in on Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, the other males are computer science people and hole up at home. My lab is dominated by females-a Master's student and three female undergrads who have had run of the lab for three years now.

Having a male student in the lab full time is a HUGE adjustment. While it's nice to have someone else to talk to, it offers certain hardships. For example, I no longer feel comfortable putting on my makeup after I get to work. Unzipping my knee-high boots for some relief with hairy legs also seems less appropriate. Picking wedgies, burping... all of these time-honored practices in our office area have to be stifled, not to mention virtually half of the conversation topics we normally cover. Discussions focused strictly on a male's physical characteristics (ok, so sometimes we're a little shallow) now evokes a frown from one member of the room. Comments such as "a MAN probably came up with that" and "ugh, boys!" also tend to be received with some disdain. And forget our complaints about a visit from our "Aunt Flow" or "Aunt Dot"!

Despite our necessary sacrifices, it hasn't been all bad. Our new lab member makes darned good soup, and likes to share. Being an entomologist, he can also also identify many of the dead bugs that we tend to find in lab supplies that remain unmoved for months (years) (decades) on end. Now if we could just get him interested in shoes, I think we could deal.


Title inspired by Gilmore Girls episode Red Light on the Wedding Night:


PAN OVER LORELAI'S BEDROOM
[Max is asleep while Lorelai lay awake staring at the ceiling.]
CUT TO RORY'S BEDROOM
[Rory is sleeping. Lorelai walks in and sits on her bed.]
LORELAI: Hey.
RORY: What? What is it?
LORELAI: Oh nothing. Whatcha doing?
RORY: Taking back Poland.
LORELAI: Oh, good luck with that.
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: I have a boy in my room
RORY: So?
LORELAI: So I have a boy in my room.
RORY: It's Max.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: You like Max.
LORELAI: No, uhh, yes, I do, but it's weird. We've never had a man in the house like this up there.
RORY: He's your fiancé.
LORELAI: Very true.
RORY: So all you need to do is adjust. It's like that time you got the green stripes in your hair.
LORELAI: I hated those green stripes.
RORY: Well, I'm tired. I can think of a better example tomorrow.
LORELAI: No, wake up, wake up. We've not properly talked about this.
RORY: About what?
LORELAI: About having Max in the house. About the effect on you. Don't cover up anything. Let's get it all out in the open.
RORY: I don't have anything to cover up. I like Max.
LORELAI: I know you do, and that's good. But you know, once we are married, nothing will ever be the same again.
RORY: I know.
LORELAI: It won't just be the 'me and you secret special clubhouse no boys allowed' thing anymore.
RORY: It will be different.
LORELAI: Not just different. Our lives as we know them will be over.
RORY: Mom, we're not dying.
LORELAI: No, we're not dying. But the life we had is gonna morph into this like mutation that we could never possibly have conceived.
RORY: Like the giant ants in "Them"?
LORELAI: Metaphorically speaking, yes. And I don't want it to be like giant ants, so that's why I'm talking about it now.
RORY: I am in no way anticipating being attacked by giant man-eating ants because Max is living here.
LORELAI: Good. Good.
RORY: Weirdo.
LORELAI: You know, you can't walk around in the buff anymore.
RORY: I don't remember ever walking around in the buff.
LORELAI: I know one time you did.
RORY: Was I three?
LORELAI: Somewhere around there.
RORY: Does he hog the bed?
LORELAI: No. He's a very 'stay on his side' kinda guy.
RORY: Good.
LORELAI: He's cute. He wears pajama bottoms.
RORY: Stop.
LORELAI: Not funny ones. I hate funny bottoms.
RORY: I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms from now on.
LORELAI: Nuh uh!
RORY: Aren't you happy?
LORELAI: Yes. I'm happy.
RORY: Well, then it'll be fine. You'll get used to it, having Max there.
LORELAI: I know. You're right. I will. I will get used to it. [closes her eys]
RORY: Mom.
LORELAI: Hm?
RORY: You're falling asleep.
LORELAI: So?
RORY: You need to be a big girl and go to your own room.
LORELAI: Okay. [pretends she can't get up] Uh, uh...
RORY: Fine, ten more minutes
LORELAI: Thank you.

These aren't the boys you're looking for

First off, kudos if you got the SW ref. Second, this is a majorly sarcastic post to balance out the usually measured and mature entry I wrote last night.

I'm very happy to announce that in the past month I have only received attention from men in whom I do not have even the most mild interest in. Attractive young males with jobs are currently scarce on Match. The unemployed? They're contacting me in hordes! (I don't mind going dutch, but at some point they're going to run out of gas money.) Men over 40? (Mind you- more than a DECADE my seniors...) Yup, we got those! Men so out of shape their doctors are already contemplating what medicine they'll prescribe when the heart disease hits? Not only are they plentiful, but eager to meet me.

Let's put aside my own selfishness in wanting a sexy, healthy, gainfully employed young man. How could I have anything in common with these others? I found it hard enough dating men who disliked their jobs, never mind ones who don't have one- the bulk of my time and energy go into my work and people who don't have a job or like theirs often don't understand this (which is fine, but doesn't make them very understanding when I have to cancel plans because an experiment ran later than expected). I won't go on and on about the other differences, but I just needed to vent my frustration out so I don't end up punching the TV the next time I see a woman blubbering about how she found her soul mate on Match. I wish everyone would stop pretending that dating websites are magic. Essentially, all they do is expand the pool of people that you're meeting. You're still going to have the same requirements for your match, and they ones you're interested in are still going to be the same overall percentage of the pool. It's quite discouraging finding out just how few people like you are out there. :p

The stupid social worker I've been seeing for therapy keeps harping on how I need a hobby (as if running and volunteering at my church aren't enough??? geeze) The only two I would even consider at this point are roller derby and Squatch hunting.

I'll add them to my Match profile.


9pm update:I feel that including this polite statement in my profile (Please don't contact me if you're not looking for a serious relationship or if you're way out of my desired age range-23-29. Thanks!) gives me the right to respond to winks from 45 year olds with messages such as: "Are you kidding me?! I'm TWENTY years younger than you!!Gimme a break!" and then block them. siiiigh

I get a little bit stronger

I feel GOOD dun dun dun nah nah nah nah!



Man! I ran a 5K race this morning, after a truly crazy week of experiments and a late night of babysitting two very enthusiastic Harry Potter/Spongebob/Twister/popcorn/jumping/guinea pig/photo album fans. So, on five hours of sleep I rushed up to Hartford, got a great parking spot, rushed to the registration/bag pick up, then the bag check, and then the starting line! Everyone danced to the music and cheered when the started asked who was a first- timer. I ran my heart out and then clapped my hands raw cheering while looking out for my dad to finish the marathon. What an awesome, awesome day!!
Did you know that two months ago I missed a race because I couldn't get out of bed? Part of it was because I was tired. But part of it was because of a problem I've been battling most of my adult life. Depression, it seems, runs in my family, so I grew up seeing it. But I still didn't understand; the people I knew also had had difficult times in their lives that might warrant not being able to heal from. I expected more from myself.

I'd tried other solutions, from sports to fastidious studying to eating. I thought that it would be a failure to take medication. I figured that it was normal to be upset over a breakup, and that everyone is different, so if I needed to cry after a song on the radio a week or two after then that was ok. But then it was a month, and more. In the past I'd blamed my crippling sadness on the changes in my life due to the loss of a long time boyfriend and companion. This time, however, the relationship had been enjoyable, emotional, and passionate, but short. I knew it shouldn't have been bothering me as much as it was.

Maybe some people would blame me for being too hung up on a guy. I know that wasn't the problem. Sometimes I STILL feel hung up on him, but I'm able to function. Two months ago I was unable to focus on work. I had no motivation, and the only thing I looked forward to was sleep. It was the worst I've ever felt, and that dominated my life. I KNEW that I had the ability to be a PhD student. I knew I had the ability to teach and do research, to joke and laugh, have friends, and simply make dinner after work. I had done all these things before, but now suddenly I couldn't. It finally dawned on me that maybe this meant that what I was going through wasn't due to a lack of my own determination or focus, and wasn't going to be solved by just waiting for the dark cloud to lift.
Literally three days after I started taking my prescribed antidepressant, I started to feel a difference. I'm told that most people don't see an improvement this quickly, and at that point it was subtle. But as the days went on, I realized that days were a little easier. The turning point for me, happened when I was sitting at my desk one morning. Mornings had been very hard times mentally and emotionally. I would usually sit at my desk and dread seeing my ex in the halls, and then dwell on how sad I was about being alone. Even when I turned my attention to something else, my mind was fixated on these problems that I could not fix and all of the obstacles in my way. About a week and a half after I started my prescription, I sat down at my desk and felt a pang of sadness. This sucks, I thought. Poo. Ah, well. And with that, I turned my attention to my computer.
I nearly got the shivers when I realized what had happened! As I explained to one of my closest friends, the medicine doesn't make me happy. It's no panacea. Being depressed is like being in a hole deeper than you are tall, and you can't get out. Taking a medicine that helps to balance your brain's chemical reactions shallows the depth of the hole to waist height so you can choose to climb out. It still takes work, and it definitely takes a choice. I'm still sad, and sometimes I just let myself be sad. But if I need to work, or am with people, or just have better things to do, I can again say Yeah, that sucks. Ugh. and move on.


I was a little hesitant to write this entry, because many people don't understand depression. The way I see it, though, is that I'm lucky. I have an understanding family who have experience with depression. I have a purpose that drives me. On the other hand, others might be embarrassed to admit such a problem to their family. Maybe some don't have a goal they're working towards to motivate them to face the thing distracting them from work. But I want to tell them that this is an option worth looking into. This is the way to take control and give yourself what everyone deserves- the chance at happiness.

This entry is dedicated to my students,

who make me laugh and inspire me to keep

making a difference in others' lives,

because they make a difference in mine.


SARA EVANS - A Little Bit Stronger
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Gettin along without you baby,
I’m better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I’m gettin stronger without you baby.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I’m just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger. 

Mental suicide

Sometimes I feel like my mind is trying to kill me. Only sometimes. Sometimes when the going gets tough, my mind says, "Screw the world! We don't need anybody but Me! We'll show 'em who's boss and how wrong they were when they wrote us off!" But on the other hand, there are occasions when I feel like giving up and my brain just says, and I quote, "Go ahead." Or times when I'm feeling down and alone, maybe even from a little thing like not having someone to go to happy hour with, and my brain decides to pull out and fondle a memory that is particularly bittersweet. "Oh, you're feeling alone, are you? Know what would help? ...remembering the first kiss you had with X. Or the time that you danced with him for hours and thought life couldn't get any better! Oh yeah, good times. Too bad they're not like that now."

Thanks, brain.

What is one to do with such troublesome mental mutiny? I've tried various methods, including the highly endorsed "Eat a bunch of chocolate" routine, the less popular but still passionately followed "Exercise until your toes fall off" (which, when it fails, is often succeeded by a return to the first routine), and finally the "Watch TV until your brain melts" therapy, which is often effective but results in undesirable side effects such as drool and melted brain on your pillows. Basically, the conclusion that I've come to is the most obvious but least believable- muddle through and things will start to get better and work out. If you give up, then even when things start to look up, you won't be able to muster up the courage to get back on the horse. And if you force yourself to pretend that everything is fine, you might not recognize when things really ARE fine and get to enjoy it. Sometimes you have to do a little of each, the best that you can, until one day the sun comes out and you don't even realize that you're enjoying it.


Guster- Dissolve
And it's true he was so young
But you are here
And the moment clouds your brain
You could've even saved him
That means nothing
You could've even been there
That's a lie
How can you blame him for your life?
It's a mental suicide
And it carries you away
Dissolve your fear into one
Dissolve will find a way
Then it's true we aren't immune
But there's a way
And denial clouds your brain
To try and understand him
That means nothing
To try and find the meaning
It's a lie
How can you blame him for your life?
It's a mental suicide
And it carries you away
Dissolve your fear into one
Dissolve will find a way
To right a wrong
To understand
To figure out
It's in His plans
To leave alone
To find a way
To figure out
It's not your fault
And it's the both of you he's ruined
He's torn away all the desire born inside
You could've even saved him
That means nothing
You could've even been there
That's a lie
To try and understand him
That means nothing
To try and find the meaning
It's a lie
To leave alone
To find a way
To figure out
It's not your fault
To see yourself
Your brother wouldn't be proud of you
Proud of you anymore