Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Watchcat Night Overview

Step 1. Watch humans from floor.  Survey bed from at least two sides. (This should be normal operating protocol.)  If anything appears suspicious, such as humans being awake, stretch up and claw the side of the bed.  This will communicate to any enemies nearby that this is your bed.  As an additional bonus, it will announce to any lightly sleeping humans of your approach.

Step 2. Jump on bed, landing lightly to show your skill and dexterity.

Step 3. Walk over pillows, stomping on owners' hair and purring loudly. The key is to place your paw as close as possible to the scalp, so that it will pull painfully when you put your weight on it.  This way, there is the most chance of waking them while still reasonably using the pretense that you weren't trying to wake them, but only passing through.

Step 4. Sniff mother's head. Really get your nose in there and snuff.  This is to make entirely sure that it is ACTUALLY your mommy and not an impostor.  This is a cat's duty.

Step 5. Repeat Step 4 with dad.

Step 6. Repeat Step 4 on mom, just in case.

Step 7. Practice your balance by pretending that mom's sleeping form is a mountain ridge.  Walk purposefully yet carefully so as not to slide off.  Find a comfy spot and settle in.  Stay still just until mom falls back asleep.  Get back up and return to pillows.

Step 8. At this point, resume sniffing and stepping on hair until owners acknowledge your vigilance.  Your reward is to allow yourself to be petted once, quickly, before returning to patrol.  After all, you don't want to disturb your owners.