Sunday, October 31, 2010

God bless the broken road

Wow. So next week will be the one year birthday of this blog.

This seems like a good time for a post I was thinking of doing. I've recently gone on a few dates that I've really enjoyed. Before the first date, I talked to the guy on the phone, and afterward I was thinking how different I felt than when I first started dating in January, and how very very different I felt from when I started this blog, back in November. Just looking at my regular array of weekly (or thereabouts) activities causes me to stop and appreciate how much I have grown and healed since last fall. I made friends, found new interests, and rooted my faith in a stable and reaffirming community. (To read more about any of these, click the "read more" link below. The entry just got too long for the front page!)


These are just a few ways in which I was healed and even began to grow quite a lot in the last 12 months. There are many others (traveling, for example- I've been to more states this year than I have been since my family drove to Florida when I was 5) as well as professional accomplishments (3 publications and 3 conferences in one year!). However this entry is horribly long already. The point is, I've redefined myself. It's not even that I'm someone different from who I was before. The potential for all of these things was hibernating inside my heart the whole time. I just glossed over them, blinding myself by my own conviction of who I was. (Again, Ignatious had it pretty much figured out what the important questions are... maybe we should all try to get hit in the leg with a cannonball more often). Part of the problem was that as far as I could see, I could only be who I had been. Every funny story I could think of, every striking memory I had, contained someone who was essentially no longer part of my life. The only way out of the hole was to have the courage to brave new experiences for new memories. As scary as this was, walking into a void without anything to attach to, I took small steps, holding onto the wall of the swimming pool and kicking my feet, until I was able to venture into the pool, and finally swim the length on my own. It's easy to stay near the shallows if it worked in the past. But the entire length of the pool begged to be explored. The new me formed as my experiences formed memories which I judged as good or bad and subtly shaped who I am.

It's funny because my last relationship began when I was still hurting from the one preceding it. Now I'm not and everything in dating feels completely different. It's the whole, real me, and it's fantastic, no matter what happens next. And if things don't always work out, I'll trust the broken road to lead me on.



Rascal Flatts- Broken Road
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you


Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true


Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you.


When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.



Fred Borman's Earthrise

So again I was in the car, driving home after a pleasant night of socializing and football (read: snacks). And the song "Human" came on, which I was totally rocking out to, both because I think it's a really silly and enjoyable song and online forums held vehement arguments over the true lyrics before they were released (is it dancer or denser??!). And then, catching me on my high from the previous song, came "Iris".

There was a period when Iris was a "couple" song for me. But it is also a song that meant something to me before that phase of my life, and surprisingly, it means that same thing still. It's funny because the song is almost like one of those hologram collectible cards, where there are ridges and one side shows one picture and the other another picture, so that each can be seen if the card is held at different angles. One side of the song is romantic and about being in love, finding a connection with another person. But the other part of the song is about the very personal things about yourself that you don't show to others, and the struggle to remain true to who you are in the face of an ever-demanding world.

The part of the song that always struck me are the lines "When everything feels like the movies/ Yeah yah bleed just to know you're alive." I feel these words very deeply, but not in a morbid or even pessimistic way. My job is my life. It is challenging, and at times infuriating, un-gratifying, seemingly impossible, and downright miserable. Yes, it's true; on certain days I feel at a complete loss and can't see a way out of my hole. But what I love about myself is that I keep on doing it. Not just doing it for the sake of keeping up the challenge or because I need to or because I'm just too stubborn to give up. The reason why I do it is because I have a dream, and have had one nearly since I can remember. That dream is to be an astronaut and work for NASA and see the beauty of the earth from space and touch, in some small way, the mystery of the world. And every step I take further into a career in science brings me closer to that dream. That dream is worth being miserable and discouraged and going home feeling awful more than one night in a row. That dream is worth fighting for.

And the thing is, I don't know if I'll ever become an astronaut. But in moving in that direction, on the path that I am sure that God has set for me, I have found other things that thrill me and take my breath away. My current work is part of that; I think that it's thrilling to see science in action, to actually do an experiment starting with one thing and ending with something else. And if I am destined to study acid river systems as a Mars analogue, or hypersaline tolerant species, or colonization effects on populations in extreme environments instead of walking in space, then I feel that this is also worth fighting for. Or studying evolution in zooplankton or whatever I may find myself doing in ten years' time. The Goo Goo Dolls know that the monotony of everyday life can get to you, and that you can break free by remembering the things that you are fighting for. Sure, you can give up and settle for something easy and comforting, or give up on something entirely because you wanted to but it was just too difficult. But if you give away all the things that are difficult to do, will you be left with anything you truely love?


Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you
Cause I know that you'd feel it somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been
And I don't want to go home right now

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

You can't stop the tears that aren't coming
The moments of truth in your life
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am.