Monday, August 29, 2011

Today I had a bee in my bonnet

I drove to work today and every road rage maniac was out there after having been heaven forbid, not able to drive for a full day because of the hurricane. Whatever, not that big of a deal, I just drove super defensively. Then I parked and scratched my elbow on my car door when I almost fell into the car getting my backpack out of the passenger side door because I was standing on a slope. At this point I was annoyed but ready to let it roll off. I was walking down the sidewalk, trying to decide what I should start first when I got to the lab and got a phone call. It was a number that I didn't know but I thought it might be the doctor I had been trying to get an appointment with for two weeks and so I juggled everything else I was carrying to answer. It turned out that it was NOT the doctor's office, but one of those STUPID automated messages that tries to trick you into thinking it is your insurance/credit card/car manufacturer company trying to contact you about your account when they're actually a completely unrelated company trying to sell you insurance or some other credit card or something. I was so pissed that when the message said, "You have the opportunity to lower the interest on your credit account! Press 1 to speak to a representative" I DID press one, and then when the rep asked, "Did you press 1 to lower your interest rate?" I answered, "Yes, but I don't HAVE a credit card, so stop messing with me," and hung up.

Granted maybe that wasn't the nicest thing to do but I'm pretty sure they won't be calling me again. When I got inside I decided to hang up our lab's latest poster so that I could check one small task off my list and maybe calm my nerves. Of course as soon as I dropped one side of the poster and scattered tacks everywhere I turned to see my ex walking down the hall.... awesome, I love looking like an idiot at supremely inopportune times. I maturely went back into lab to sulk, and then realized that my elbow was bleeding from banging it on the car. Whatever.

I went to rinse off my cut and get a band-aid in the office and then went to pick up the trash I had left in the autoclave (the machines we use to sterilize tools and used culture materials) on Friday. All of the goo from the agar plates had solidified in the bottom because I had left them so long (I TRIED to get them on Sat but they were re-tiling the stupid floor). So I went to empty them in the big garbage cans everything suction-stuck to the bottom until I awkwardly shook them and SHALOOP everything guncked off all at once, unleashing the surprise that there WAS still liquid underneath the goo and that it was still hot. I only burned myself a little. Needless to say, at this point my ex walked by again, which cemented my belief that the universe has a sick sense of humor.

After that I guess the fates got tired of punishing me until the bee in my bosom.

That's right, I went outside to take a call from my sister (no cell service in the lab) and came back in, thinking that my chest was itchy, and looked down to find... a yellowjacket down my shirt. I literally strained a muscle in my abs in my panic to get the thing out. What the hell. You just KNOW it was a male bee.

Things have been cooling down tonight, though. The worst thing that happened was my receipt of a message form a guy on Match, saying only "I thought mirror pics went out with Myspace". (I have FOURTEEN PICS on my profile... maybe TWO are pics I took in the mirror to get a closeup of my face. Seriously, how else do you get a picture with only you in it, with a closeup of your face, without anything distracting in the background?...) (Also, wtf! Who goes on a dating website to send random insults to the opposite sex??) The guy's tagline was Fedoras rock! (um yeah, but as soon as you put one on, you subject yourself to a comparison with Harrison Ford, and well most guys can't stand up to such competition). "Well at least that's more recent than when hats were in," I responded. I haven't heard anything since.

Since I've comforted myself with my specialized grilled cheese recipe and a night of BSG (if you don't know, don't ask, I'm embarrassed enough for the both of us) I've been feeling a lot better.

But I still might just hide out at a coffee shop and write tomorrow... preferably one without bees, with supportive chairs that don't make you sit up straight.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Link found between cats and lasers

Although I am very busy today, I had a very important revelation while getting ready this morning which I felt should be shared with the masses ASAP, as I believe it could greatly benefit the general public and improve the lives of people everywhere, in answering one of the most time-honored questions facing the human race.

I have uncovered the link between cats and aliens.

We all know that cats were worshiped in ancient Egypt. We also know that ridiculously giant tombs were built in ancient Egypt, in defiance of all logic. Anyone who has been to a desert will know that moving thousands of giant stones in such a setting is probably the least appealing activity possible. And let's be honest- if a pharaoh had a kajillion slaves working for him, he wouldn't want them to build any freakin pyramids. He'd direct them to build a pool, and then demand that someone invent a blender so that he could have a frozen daiquiri.

This is pretty conclusive proof that the pyramids were built by the Egyptians. The alternate theory, of course, is that they were built by aliens, but no one has yet come up with any motivation for the aliens yet. This is, of course, where my theory comes in. You know how cats go CRAZY over laser pointers? I was pondering this today, alternative making my normally calm cat go totally ballistic over a tiny red dot and applying makeup, and I thought, why is it that cats feel such AGGRESSION towards lasers?? They don't seem to resemble any natural prey of cats. Why would they have this hard-wired response to a modern technology?

And then it hit me: cats must have been exposed to lasers before. In the distant past, when cats had been hanging out in ancient Egypt, aliens must have shown up and some sort of war ensued, resulting in modern-day cats' response to track and kill lasers at all costs. Cats must have put up quite a fight, resulting in Egyptian praise, and the pyramids, which actually are tombs, but of the ALIENS, not stupid pharaohs. cats must have become more domesticated and docile as the years since the alien invasion passed, but they've still held on to this vital instinct, ready to defend the earth should the need arise, at a moment's notice.

...unless they're taking a nap.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Today: Ridiculously old British man hits on younger women, fails

Hello all. I don't normally personally bash people I date, and I don't like to bash online dating in general because I think it gets a bad rap from people who are too scared to take control of their own life and just try it. However today I am bending those rules to tell you the story of a truly obnoxious man.

Now I am 25 and people are always telling me, "Oh you're so YOUNG" when I complain about being single, as if that helps when I go home alone every night. It's not just the fact that I'm single that distresses me, but the fact that there seems to be very few men my age who meet the standards I hold for myself (education, morals, etc). So here I am feeling mildly discouraged that there aren't any GREAT guys that I can find, and so I'm sifting through the good guys, the ok guys, the less-than-average guys... and all of the sudden there is an AWFUL guy.

I've worked hard on my profile to make sure that I convey the attitude of a strong, independent woman, looking for a serious relationship with a guy her age. Now Mr. Awful decides to completely disregard that upfront by contacting me in the first place. He is THIRTY NINE. It specifically states in my profile that I am looking for someone no older than 31. I've dated guys up to this age before and I think that's the line were things begin to blur and commonalities diminish because of the age difference. Ok, you might say, well maybe he just came across your profile and really liked it, and decided to give it a shot even though he normally wouldn't. Nope, no, negatory. HIS profile specifically states that he is looking for females with a maximum age of 35- FOUR years younger than himself. Furthermore, and more disturbingly, he says that he is interested in women alllllll the way down to age 18. I think it's safe to assume that he would have chosen younger ages if that was an option.

And if that didn't make him enough of a pig (and yes that's how I think he comes across- emailing someone who has already stated she's not interested in him in her self description, especially since she is clearly a feminist and he is basically stating that he wants to get the youngest slice of ass he can), he sends an email that only says "Could we meet for coffee or drinks?" I'd mind as well go to a freaking bar. Nothing offered about himself, nothing asked about me, no interest in measuring the compatibility of our personalities. No 'can I get to know you first since I am a perfect stranger'. Nope- just the assumption that I would like to meet him and possibly expose myself to what could turn out to be a rapist, or a serial killer, or at the very least a chauvinist jerk. Yup, because I was born yesterday. ...just the way he apparently likes it.

Plus he wasn't even freaking attractive.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

My dream office

Have you ever found that you're significantly more productive after you take a short walk outside? ...I certainly am. So I've been thinking, why limit the outdoors to breaks? Perhaps, if we were outside ALL the time, we could ALWAYS be significantly more productive (note to fellow science and math people who know this statement does not make sense: shut up.)

I'm envisioning my office as a desk outside, perhaps on an elevated platform so that the undergrads walking by wouldn't bother me. It would be really awesome to have a glass floor but we're going to have to stick with something opaque so that gross old profs who still think they're 25 won't look up my skirt. And something that won't heat up too much so I won't sweat and have my bangs go weird. Ok wait scratch the whole elevated platform thing, I'll just have my office somewhere away from all kinds of annoying people. Like a desert island.

I could commute with the Concord (I can use my grant for that, right?) and sit in my super ergonomic chair, listen to the tide wash in and back in the shade of my coconut tree. Hmm. But I don't want to have to deal with bugs, and hurricanes might be a problem, and if trash washed up on the beach I doubt the custodial staff would be coming by more than once a week. Huh.

Somewhere away from annoying people, without bugs, where trash isn't an issue and it's quiet and peaceful.... oh I know. Space. My ideal office will be in space. It will have a cat.

I don't need a keyboard for work but....whatever. I'm done being picky.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

3 vs 3

Bad things that happened today

Got hit on by an older man- and his son.
Kitten woke me up by falling off the windowsill
Had no motivation to put clothes away

Good thins that happened today
Got hit on by an older man- and his son.
Made progress on my document
Very good sermon at mass- priest welcomed all into our parish and community, including immigrants, those who are gay, and the homeless

Hmm. Three good things and three bad things. Except I left out a larger bad thing: Can't find decent dating website. I'm tired of the ones I've tried before, and am now at a loss. Of course, the real crux is to see if people in your area are active or not. Poop.

I guess that last Bad Thing is balanced out by the fact that I had a really good bowl of granola with soy milk..... :p

Thursday, August 4, 2011

You're in ruins

As I sit here trying not to scratch my poison ivy and contemplating my life, I wonder where my path will turn.

Sometimes I can look back and it seems that my life makes a lot of sense. I didn't get accepted to that school because I was supposed to go somewhere else that would fulfill needs I didn't know I had. I found an internship in a distant state because I was meant to learn independence. I couldn't buy that shirt because there was another one in a better color at the other store.

But then sometimes it seems like after I'm satisfied I have it all figured out and am proudly exercising all of the lessons I've learned, something happens that makes it all grind to a halt and (it seems) fall apart. Often it's due to a (perceived) failure or the ending of a relationship. "If I wasn't meant to use those lessons now, then why did I have to learn all of them??" I cry to God. I am quite impertinent with Him sometimes. A friend recently admitted to me, embarrassed, that they were sometimes angry with God. "SOMEtimes?!" I wanted to shout. "I'm nearly ALWAYS whining to Him about something!" This is a bit exaggerated, but I do complain quite a bit when I feel that things are going badly. Especially when it seems I've done my part. I often reason as if I do not believe there is a greater plan, and that my future will contain a wealth of joy or pain solely due to my actions. Hell, even people who DON'T believe in a greater plan know THAT'S a load of crock.

It seems the more times I trust, the more times my trust is broken. The more sadness I want to avoid, the more I encounter. How much more time in my life can I put aside for a broken heart? These things often (and unjustifiably) fill my mind. The main result of this kind of thinking is emotional insulation coming from being at the bottom of a hole. This time I just got fed up. During a Sunday visit with my mother, I declared that I was tired of waiting. "I am READY, God!!" I said. My mother agreed- although this may only have been to placate me as I was driving. "She is ready, God! And we want a sign!!"

We ate dinner at a steak restaurant. I had a mild, constant pout. We made small talk. We waited for a sign. I sulked somewhat. We quoted Will and Grace and laughed. We got shrimp and salads before our steak. Engrossed in our seafood and conversation, we didn't notice a waiter came up. "I can see that you're trying to watch what you eat, but you don't need to, because you're beautiful." Then he walked away, seeming a little shy but with dignity. His words didn't seem corny or insincere like guys trying to pick you up usually do. He wasn't our waiter and he didn't ask for a number. I didn't look particularly beautiful that night. And we were at a steak restaurant for gosh sake (watching what I eat??). But those words comforted me, and you can call me crazy, but I think that was my sign. Out of the blue, in the middle of dinner, some kind words gave me some hope that God was watching over me and trying give me some hope to hold on a bit longer. Or maybe He's just tired of listening to me complain. But I think it's the latter. :)

21 Guns
Green Day
Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I