When everything feels like the movies

Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.

Fred Borman's Earthrise



So again I was in the car, driving home after a pleasant night of socializing and football (read: snacks). And the song "Human" came on, which I was totally rocking out to, both because I think it's a really silly and enjoyable song and online forums held vehement arguments over the true lyrics before they were released (is it dancer or denser??!). And then, catching me on my high from the previous song, came "Iris".

There was a period when Iris was a "couple" song for me. But it is also a song that meant something to me before that phase of my life, and surprisingly, it means that same thing still. It's funny because the song is almost like one of those hologram collectible cards, where there are ridges and one side shows one picture and the other another picture, so that each can be seen if the card is held at different angles. One side of the song is romantic and about being in love, finding a connection with another person. But the other part of the song is about the very personal things about yourself that you don't show to others, and the struggle to remain true to who you are in the face of an ever-demanding world.

The part of the song that always struck me are the lines "When everything feels like the movies/ Yeah yah bleed just to know you're alive." I feel these words very deeply, but not in a morbid or even pessimistic way. My job is my life. It is challenging, and at times infuriating, un-gratifying, seemingly impossible, and downright miserable. Yes, it's true; on certain days I feel at a complete loss and can't see a way out of my hole. But what I love about myself is that I keep on doing it. Not just doing it for the sake of keeping up the challenge or because I need to or because I'm just too stubborn to give up. The reason why I do it is because I have a dream, and have had one nearly since I can remember. That dream is to be an astronaut and work for NASA and see the beauty of the earth from space and touch, in some small way, the mystery of the world. And every step I take further into a career in science brings me closer to that dream. That dream is worth being miserable and discouraged and going home feeling awful more than one night in a row. That dream is worth fighting for.

And the thing is, I don't know if I'll ever become an astronaut. But in moving in that direction, on the path that I am sure that God has set for me, I have found other things that thrill me and take my breath away. My current work is part of that; I think that it's thrilling to see science in action, to actually do an experiment starting with one thing and ending with something else. And if I am destined to study acid river systems as a Mars analogue, or hypersaline tolerant species, or colonization effects on populations in extreme environments instead of walking in space, then I feel that this is also worth fighting for. Or studying evolution in zooplankton or whatever I may find myself doing in ten years' time. The Goo Goo Dolls know that the monotony of everyday life can get to you, and that you can break free by remembering the things that you are fighting for. Sure, you can give up and settle for something easy and comforting, or give up on something entirely because you wanted to but it was just too difficult. But if you give away all the things that are difficult to do, will you be left with anything you truely love?

Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you

Cause I know that you'd feel it somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I've ever been

And I don't want to go home right now

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am.

You can't stop the tears that aren't coming

The moments of truth in your life

When everything feels like the movies

Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am.

And I don't want the world to see me

Cause I don't think that they'd understand

When everything's made to be broken

I just want you to know who I am.