Saturday, December 29, 2012

It was only a kiss

It's not always easy when things go well. So many people, myself included, adopt the attitude, "I just need to get through this." I just need to make it through this week. I only have to finish this paper and then things will be better. I can relax after this exam. But when does life really give you a break? I've been pretty stressed, what with it being the holidays and all. Plus trying to get work done while students are gone, deal with the weather, etc etc etc. And for a while now I've been waiting for a guy to come along that I'm excited about. Well, the holidays are (mostly) over (I can just ignore New Years, right?). I was still feeling anxious and attributed it to a budding new relationship. But after the next date, which involved lots of laughs, talking, and a first kiss, I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating from a nightmare. In the nightmare I was walking a tightrope. It was only three feet off the ground, but I was still terrified. It can be seen as symbolic, in that the tightrope is th relationship just getting off the ground, or just everyday life, which is less strenuous right now than at other times. But why would this cause me so much anxiety? My therapist has said that even though good things make us feel good and relieve some stresses, they also bring new stress. Since I have some free time now, I'm worried about wasting it. Since I have fewer pressures, I should be more productive. And now that I've found a romantic interest, I can start being afraid of losing it. P!nk sings
Screw fear it's contagious Infecting everything It makes me do such stupid stupid stuff I say things I never mean What exactly do I think? What am I afraid of? If I fall it'll blow up in my face Now that's just crazy
We all do this. It's natural to be afraid of losing something, almost as soon as we get it. Sometimes, even before we get it! (Ever been jealous of a friend or competitor during a contest?) Sure, it hurts to be hurt. It stinks to be disappointed. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't even try. Finding the balance between keeping low expectations but still letting ourselves become invested in a relationship or task is very difficult. Personally I think it depends very much upon your last experience with the situation. Were you very hurt or just a little? Was it fast or slow? Did it make you feel un-empowered? It's so hard to face our fears, and even more difficult to face them while still acknowledging that they are valuable lessons that can inform us. We don't want to make the same mistakes twice. But we also don't want to cut ourselves off from the possibility of a different outcome. I think it's probably rare that anyone finds the perfect balance between ignoring fear and being overcome by it. I guess the solace is that we don't need to be perfect to be happy. We just need to stay within a certain boundary (oh geeze... I was just thinking, we need to stay within a certain confidence interval... sorry, that's the nerd in me). For now, that's all I can do... P!nk "Timebomb" (originally by Kylie Minogue) Screw fear, it's contagious Infecting everything It makes me do such stupid, stupid stuff I say things I never mean What exactly do I think? Who am I protecting? If I fall it'll blow up in my face That's just crazy I'm delicate, I'm sensitive Please try to be more careful You're mean, you're a lunatic Let's try to make this fun again It's only love, give it away (It's only love) You'll probably get it back again (It's only love) It's simple, it's a silly thing Throw it away like a boomerang I wish we all could lighten up It's only love, not a time bomb I'm tired from last nights fight I wish I hadn't started it I hate when my fear speaks for me It makes me nasty I thought we could start again Go back to the days when we felt like friends It's all too serious for me And I know I'm guilty Matchsticks and poison That's what I add to the fire My dear, I'm frozen Turned from a saint to a liar It's only love, give it away (It's only love) You'll probably get it back again (It's only love) It's simple, it's a silly thing Throw it away like a boomerang I wish we all could lighten up It's only love not a time bomb I don't want to be precious I don't want to feel stress Life is for the living, But not a living hell So take it Take this Oh, you can have all of me Take it Take this Here, you can have everything I don't want to be flawless When I go I want the cuts to show So take it Take this Oh, you can have all of me Break it Take it Oh, fuck it, have everything It's only love, give it away (It's only love) You'll probably get it back again (It's only love) It's simple, it's a silly thing Throw it away like a boomerang I wish we all could lighten up It's only love not a time bomb (It's only love) (It's only love) It's simple, it's a silly thing Throw it away like a boomerang I wish we all could lighten up It's only love not a time bomb

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