Sunday, February 2, 2014

Pooper bowl

Today I'm learning football for the first time, since no one in the past has successfully explained it to me."It looks like rocks being thrown at other rocks," I complained to my boyfriend. As in, the players are rocks. And I guess they're not so much being thrown as running into each other but rocks can't run so that's why I didn't say that in the first place. Whatever.

So I'm asking lots of questions and the only major setback so far has been that my boyfriend neglected to call me in from the kitchen when the Star Wars commercial came on (boyfriend FAIL). (He's giving me the finger as I'm writing this.)

Anyway, so far I've learned:

-You're not allowed to hold onto someone, even if you're falling down. The exception is if someone has stolen your wallet, but apparently you're not supposed to have your wallet on the field, in which case I'm not sure how they would identify your body.
*I've just been informed that you're only not allowed to hold onto someone even if you're falling down only if they're receiving a pass. So I guess it's analogous to a cock block, in that if you're the blocker, that's not allowed.

-Pee in your mouthguard is not a reason for a flag.

-"Seahawks" is a common name for the same bird known as the shithawk of Nova Scotia.

-A "down" is a measure of time, assuming that time is circular. Circular time allows for repetition and therefore infinite possibilities, which is why football games can last for an eternity.

-You aren't allowed to trip other players. You are allowed to tackle them to the point of concussion. Much like spousal abuse.>:(

-In order to make a touchdown, you don't actually have to touch anything down to the ground. I literally did not know that until this very moment.

-You're allowed to have a visor in your helmet. You're not allowed to have laser beams. I'm not aware of whether or not you can watch Youtube videos.

-The main  purpose of the Superbowl is to provide an excuse to eat cream cheese. (Reference: my sister)

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