Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Five ways to test whether your boyfriend is addicted

...to DOTA.

Many males pride themselves on being devoted "gamers," while others are more secretive about their online interactive adventures.  Either way, it's annoying.

The following is a guide to determine if your man (or woman! I'm sure it's just as soul-sucking to have your female partner plastered to the A, S and W keys of their keyboard) is on the path to destruction obsession. OR if they're already hopelessly absorbed in the virtual subculture (as my mother reminds me, it's too late to get a refund...oh well!)

Use these tests to work out how absorbed your partner becomes while playing. The more responsive your partner is, the better they score. 

Test 1- Ask your partner a simple question, such as how their day was. Points should be detracted for hesitation or if you need to repeat the question.

Test 2- Arrange your cat in a cute position (for a lazy cushion cat), or entice your cat to wrestle with some adorable stuffed toy. Announce, "Aw, [you cat's name] is being SO cute!" No points for affirmative responses without actually turning to look.

Test 3- This test steps it up a notch, and works particularly well if you have a loft-style dwelling. Drop a piece of dirty clothing (preferably underwear or socks) onto your partner's head while playing. Your partner receives high scores for getting up and demanding an explanation, but should get some points for merely removing the clothing from their head. Negative points if they leave it there.

Test 4- Go into the bedroom and yell, "I'm naked!" This test really goes to prove how uninterested in sexy men can be when they're distracted.

Test 5- FOR EMERGENCY USE ONLY. Obtain a honey badger. Obtain some honeycomb. Toss both onto gamer's lap. Major points for only minor injuries.

If your partner gets a high score: Good-for-freaking-you. Just shut up, ok?

What to do if your partner gets a low/no score: Additional levels of positive distraction can be assessed, and might have varying results (anecdotal evidence suggests that food could work well here) but as your desperation increases, it's not uncommon to try negative attention-getting methods (eg yelling "The stove is on fire!" and "I left your iphone on the stove!"). However alternative methods of coping, such as learning to accept this disability, can yield unexpected outcomes beneficial to both sides. For example, my boyfriend is roughly 90% more likely to let me choose a channel without dispute while he plays DOTA. If all else fails, try working on your own imitations of the "heroes'" voices in order to penetrate into your partner's dense cloud of concentration. You'll probably at least get a laugh.


No comments:

Post a Comment