Tuesday, July 16, 2013


I think the universe should make some concessions when it's too hot. Weeks when the temperature reaches 90° every day should qualify as exceptions to normal rules. Heat pretty much affects everything we do.Yeah, we have AC inside, but there are very few of us who don't have to spend ANY time outside and very few of us have central AC in our homes, meaning we're still in danger of melting while we sleep.

Here are some specific examples of how I think things should be handled differently during heat waves:

- Being late should be ok. I don't know about everybody else, but I find it significantly more difficult to get ready in the morning when hot, humid air is seeping in under the bathroom window. Putting makeup on a sweaty face is frustrating and somewhat futile, but neglecting to use it at all seems like you're giving up before the day even begins. Can't we all just agree that things are a little more complicated during the summer and take an extra five minutes before we start meetings, classes, movies, surgery, etc? If you're on time (or early) then you can make good use of this time to wipe the sweat off.

- Butt pads. I can't be the only one who gets disgusted by the seat of my chair after sitting in one place for an hour. Our thighs (and butts) need to breathe, and that's just not happening with the current state of seating technology. Perspiration of the haunches is still socially taboo but we need to start recognizing this uncomfortable reality. Then, someone can invent a product designed for aeration during long stationary periods and market it through obnoxious infomercials (Only $19.99!) so it can then permeate popular culture. We'll all be better off.

- More ice cream trucks. Self-explanatory.

- Rent a swim. People who have pools should allow others to swim in their pools while not being used for a small fee. I'm pretty sure that this would leave all parties extremely satisfied. However if your child pees in the pool, you will be charged an extra fee for emptying and refilling it, and will be banned for the rest of the summer. Which should be pretty effective motivation to buy those special swimming diapers.

- No bathing suits under clothing at the mall. Bathing suits are not cooler than underwear. The fabric doesn't breathe. Plus they give you funny bumps under your clothes. Wearing a bathing suit just for the hell of it is stupid, and causes yeast infections. At least that's what common knowledge tells us. Also, whenever I see the colorful tie of a bikini top sticking out the back of someone's shirt all I can think is Damn you, beeotch! I wish I had someplace to swim!! I hope if you need CPR your brother is the only one around!

- Pictures must be captioned. I'm never one to censure picture taking, because I think that even bad times should be documented. (I'm always afraid I'm suddenly going to become senile and keep visual documentation of all parts of my life-major and minor events, classy and ridiculous- in anticipation of this affliction.) However I think that the outside temperature should be documented on any photos taken during a heat wave, as well as the humidity and the number of days the heat wave has lasted thus far. In addition, if there are any people appearing in the photo who have been without air conditioning, at work or home, Facebook, Shutterfly, and/or any photo printing services should be required to provide free touch-ups for facial blemishes. It's only fair.

- Smoothies should be devoid of calories. Smoothies not only hydrate and provide electrolytes, but also offer physical and emotional relief during the dog days of summer. Therefore, they should not be counted towards anyone's daily calorie count. The most effective way to do this, as I see it, is for everyone in the world to have at least one smoothie a day, including actors and models (who should be force-fed if necessary). That way everyone will remain the same size relative to everyone else. We might need to take additional measures, like hiring crack teams of seamstresses to secretly widen our pants in the middle of the night, but the central concept is sound. (Also, please see: avocado smoothie recipes, if you are looking to die of enjoyment.)

I think everyone can agree that the suggestions outlined here are completely reasonable and should be adopted by society immediately.

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