I get a little bit stronger

I feel GOOD dun dun dun nah nah nah nah!



Man! I ran a 5K race this morning, after a truly crazy week of experiments and a late night of babysitting two very enthusiastic Harry Potter/Spongebob/Twister/popcorn/jumping/guinea pig/photo album fans. So, on five hours of sleep I rushed up to Hartford, got a great parking spot, rushed to the registration/bag pick up, then the bag check, and then the starting line! Everyone danced to the music and cheered when the started asked who was a first- timer. I ran my heart out and then clapped my hands raw cheering while looking out for my dad to finish the marathon. What an awesome, awesome day!!
Did you know that two months ago I missed a race because I couldn't get out of bed? Part of it was because I was tired. But part of it was because of a problem I've been battling most of my adult life. Depression, it seems, runs in my family, so I grew up seeing it. But I still didn't understand; the people I knew also had had difficult times in their lives that might warrant not being able to heal from. I expected more from myself.

I'd tried other solutions, from sports to fastidious studying to eating. I thought that it would be a failure to take medication. I figured that it was normal to be upset over a breakup, and that everyone is different, so if I needed to cry after a song on the radio a week or two after then that was ok. But then it was a month, and more. In the past I'd blamed my crippling sadness on the changes in my life due to the loss of a long time boyfriend and companion. This time, however, the relationship had been enjoyable, emotional, and passionate, but short. I knew it shouldn't have been bothering me as much as it was.

Maybe some people would blame me for being too hung up on a guy. I know that wasn't the problem. Sometimes I STILL feel hung up on him, but I'm able to function. Two months ago I was unable to focus on work. I had no motivation, and the only thing I looked forward to was sleep. It was the worst I've ever felt, and that dominated my life. I KNEW that I had the ability to be a PhD student. I knew I had the ability to teach and do research, to joke and laugh, have friends, and simply make dinner after work. I had done all these things before, but now suddenly I couldn't. It finally dawned on me that maybe this meant that what I was going through wasn't due to a lack of my own determination or focus, and wasn't going to be solved by just waiting for the dark cloud to lift.
Literally three days after I started taking my prescribed antidepressant, I started to feel a difference. I'm told that most people don't see an improvement this quickly, and at that point it was subtle. But as the days went on, I realized that days were a little easier. The turning point for me, happened when I was sitting at my desk one morning. Mornings had been very hard times mentally and emotionally. I would usually sit at my desk and dread seeing my ex in the halls, and then dwell on how sad I was about being alone. Even when I turned my attention to something else, my mind was fixated on these problems that I could not fix and all of the obstacles in my way. About a week and a half after I started my prescription, I sat down at my desk and felt a pang of sadness. This sucks, I thought. Poo. Ah, well. And with that, I turned my attention to my computer.
I nearly got the shivers when I realized what had happened! As I explained to one of my closest friends, the medicine doesn't make me happy. It's no panacea. Being depressed is like being in a hole deeper than you are tall, and you can't get out. Taking a medicine that helps to balance your brain's chemical reactions shallows the depth of the hole to waist height so you can choose to climb out. It still takes work, and it definitely takes a choice. I'm still sad, and sometimes I just let myself be sad. But if I need to work, or am with people, or just have better things to do, I can again say Yeah, that sucks. Ugh. and move on.


I was a little hesitant to write this entry, because many people don't understand depression. The way I see it, though, is that I'm lucky. I have an understanding family who have experience with depression. I have a purpose that drives me. On the other hand, others might be embarrassed to admit such a problem to their family. Maybe some don't have a goal they're working towards to motivate them to face the thing distracting them from work. But I want to tell them that this is an option worth looking into. This is the way to take control and give yourself what everyone deserves- the chance at happiness.

This entry is dedicated to my students,

who make me laugh and inspire me to keep

making a difference in others' lives,

because they make a difference in mine.


SARA EVANS - A Little Bit Stronger
Woke up late today, and I still feel the sting of the pain.
But I brushed my teeth anyway, I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face.
I got a little bit stronger.

Riding in the car to work, and I’m trying to ignore the hurt.
So I turned on the radio, Stupid song made me think of you,
I listened to it for minute, but then I changed it.
I’m getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.

It doesn’t happen over night, but you turn around and a months gone by,
And you realize you haven’t cried.
I’m not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer.
I’m busy getting stronger.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

Gettin along without you baby,
I’m better off without you baby,
How does it feel with out me baby?
I’m gettin stronger without you baby.

And I’m done hopin that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinnin my wheels
Lettin you drag my heart around.
And ohhh
And I’m done thinkin, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m tellin myself I’ll be okay,
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.

I’m just a little bit stronger.
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger.
I get a little bit stronger.