Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dumb Things That Guys Say II

Let me begin by saying that I am not a man-hater. I have some very close male friends who I hold in high esteem. I trust them and we share laughs, exchange advice, have intelligent and professional conversations, and give each other mutual respect. DTTGS is not about these men; it's about all the other ones who are so ridiculous that they sometimes eclipse the good ones in my mind (but only for a little while :) ). So, bring it on...


 "I'm a laid-back guy."
(This is NEVER true. Ask them to change their shirt before going out to dinner and you will see just how UNlaid-back they can be.)

 "If you're uncomfortable about something, don't talk about it."
(Always a good strategy for resolving relationship problems.)

Girl: "No, I don't like horror/suspense/romantic comedies/porn movies."
Guy: "This one is different. Why don't you come over and we can watch it sometime?"

"Men and women can never be 'just friends'."

"Cuddling is gay."
(How many times have we heard a variation of this one, ladies?!)

(After changing the channel) "I didn't know you were watching that."

 "I'm very minorly involved with someone."
(Can someone please define minorly in this sentence? Is the guy describing meeting a female in line at the grocery store and promising to call her or promised to a stranger in a planned marriage? Judging from the type of guy who would characterize a romantic interaction as "minor", it could be either one.)

 "I thought it might make you angry so I didn't bring it up."

 "I forgive you."

 "I can treat you as a strong woman colleague and with respect... It is just, unfortunately then we couldn't be friends."
(When guys say things like this it makes my head want to explode.)

 "How do you know what a Phillips head is??"

 "If I wasn't having casual sex with someone, I'd totally make out with you."

 "You could be Britney Spears/a Spice Girl/Katy Perry for Halloween!"

"I can't watch What Not to Wear/Gilmore Girls/Sex and the City because it's for girls."

"He's just being your friend because he's hoping he'll get to sleep with you at some point."

EXTRA SUPER BONUS: Messages from mega-creepers on dating sites!!

"I think it cool wat u do 4 work."

"Intelligence + Creativity has always always inspired me to the extent that I start losing my self-respect if I seem to lack it on a comparative scale."  (huh...)

" Why is it so hard to get to know you. Can you please tell me if there is a problem."
(This was the entire message. I hadn't ever spoken to him before. So again.... huh????)

"I know you probably won't be, but would you be interested in having a sugar daddy? I'm polite, middle-aged and take good care of my appearance."
(As if THAT makes it worth it..)

"Hey there! My heart was hardened and I never thought I'd be able to open up and feel the lovely, beautiful things in life again. But I must say that after reading your profile, which I thought was insightful, painfully honest, and amazing by the way, that the sheer beauty, intelligence and kindness you exude has melted the frozen, crystalline fortress surrounding my heart, and I feel alive again for the first time in years. Moreover, and I'm sorry for being so forward, I think you're a breathtakingly gorgeous, radiant, magical, intelligent, lovely goddess, and I'd love to grow close to you and sweep you off your feet. So, if you're not opposed to getting to know a tall, goofy, nerdy, honest, chivalrous, loving barefoot poet, then you should totally message me back!

P.S. You're the only person I felt a cosmic, esoteric connection to, and as such, the only person I felt comfortable enough messaging. No pressure. :-P"

(Really. You felt a cosmic connection to me through a handful of pictures and a description that basically boils down to my job, religion, and body type. I must be missing something that you're not.)

That's all for now folks, but don't worry, I'm sure there will be more fodder for DTTGS in the weeks and months to come! V3

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