Sunday, February 3, 2013

Updated dating profile

So you think you're good enough to date a scientist.

Listen up, slackers. I'm tired of writing these so try to bully your likely tiny brain into paying attention (I know it's so hard to read an entire three paragraphs of text before sending a girl an email but, having lost all my patience, I'm not above sending nasty responses to idiotic messages from men who match up with exactly 0% of what I'm looking for). Speaking of who I'm not looking for, it's (surprisingly!) not just any random one of you. I'm actually looking for ONE of you....the one who is right for me. That's right. Just the one. One out of the six billion people on our planet earth. Hmm. Sit back a minute and think about that for a minute. Do you think it's you? ....because chances are, it's probably not.

First off I'm looking for a r-e-l-a-t-i-o-n-s-h-i-p. If I just wanted some lame guy to hang out with for a few weekends then I'll go pick up some loser from the bar at Applebees. If you're going to get all awkward when we're eating out and our server refers to you as my boyfriend, then that is capital LAME. If you want to mack it all the time but can't hold my hand in public then sorry but as soon as I get bored (and it will be quickly), you're history. If it takes you something like three months (or, god forbid, longer) to stop awkwardly introducing me as your "friend" then you can forget it. In three months' time I might be finished with my world domination- and I'm certainly not going to spare you if you can't freaking figure out if we're actually "officially" dating or not.

Ok. Secondly, I need a guy who has manners. Not hold the door for you in a meaningless gesture because your mom told you this automatically makes you a gentleman (it does not) manners, but actions that are actually thoughtful and benefit someone else type manners. I know that being rude can sometimes be funny, but the bottom line is that you don't actually star in your own cartoon show set in Quahog, RI. Being rude all the time is just.... rude. And lazy. And inconsiderate. For example, the toilet seat can stay up at your house, but don't you dare leave it up at my place- or you will be asked to leave. (Wouldn't that be fun to explain to your roommate when you get back 30 minutes after you left for your date?) Also, if I get all all dressed up to see you, I expect a compliment. If I look friggin hot, I probably know it and don't need you to tell me. But a compliment is an expression of your appreciation that I spent some time preparing for our time together (most likely due to some misplaced optimism about your personality). I'll return the compliment if it's at all true. Oh, and last bugt certainly not least on the manners requirements: just because you have a phone doesn't mean you have to use it. I swear the next time a guy answers a text at the table on a first date I'm going to punch him right in the face.

Last on the requirements list. I'm the maternal type. I like taking care of people. This works to your benefit, big time. I'll make time to bake you cookies, even while I'm busy with my PhD. If you're sick, I'll brave exposure to your viral particles to comfort you. I'll be nice to you and try to make you feel better if you've had a good day. This is just the way it is; being NICE (who ever heard of such a thing in the modern age?!) is who I am, and it makes me happy to act that way. How is this a requirement? It's not a free ride. If I'm nice to you, then you need to repay my good deeds in turn. I want you to be nice to me too! I know, it sounds crazy. Men can't be affectionate or maternal! That's just for girls! Well if it's the case that you're "too" manly to express your feelings, then just move along, sucker. (And by the way, being scared of what others will think about how you feel doesn't seem too manly, does it?) I want to be emotionally pampered. Just think of it this way; you'll save a lot of money on jewelry.

What's in it for you? Many of my desirable characteristics are detailed in the paragraphs above. A few others include an astounding aptitude for interpretive dance, a wicked sense of humor, and two really nice legs. Oh... and I just remembered that you'd better like cats.

Or else.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, and you have to like cats, The End! That was my favorite part.