You're in ruins

As I sit here trying not to scratch my poison ivy and contemplating my life, I wonder where my path will turn.

Sometimes I can look back and it seems that my life makes a lot of sense. I didn't get accepted to that school because I was supposed to go somewhere else that would fulfill needs I didn't know I had. I found an internship in a distant state because I was meant to learn independence. I couldn't buy that shirt because there was another one in a better color at the other store.

But then sometimes it seems like after I'm satisfied I have it all figured out and am proudly exercising all of the lessons I've learned, something happens that makes it all grind to a halt and (it seems) fall apart. Often it's due to a (perceived) failure or the ending of a relationship. "If I wasn't meant to use those lessons now, then why did I have to learn all of them??" I cry to God. I am quite impertinent with Him sometimes. A friend recently admitted to me, embarrassed, that they were sometimes angry with God. "SOMEtimes?!" I wanted to shout. "I'm nearly ALWAYS whining to Him about something!" This is a bit exaggerated, but I do complain quite a bit when I feel that things are going badly. Especially when it seems I've done my part. I often reason as if I do not believe there is a greater plan, and that my future will contain a wealth of joy or pain solely due to my actions. Hell, even people who DON'T believe in a greater plan know THAT'S a load of crock.

It seems the more times I trust, the more times my trust is broken. The more sadness I want to avoid, the more I encounter. How much more time in my life can I put aside for a broken heart? These things often (and unjustifiably) fill my mind. The main result of this kind of thinking is emotional insulation coming from being at the bottom of a hole. This time I just got fed up. During a Sunday visit with my mother, I declared that I was tired of waiting. "I am READY, God!!" I said. My mother agreed- although this may only have been to placate me as I was driving. "She is ready, God! And we want a sign!!"

We ate dinner at a steak restaurant. I had a mild, constant pout. We made small talk. We waited for a sign. I sulked somewhat. We quoted Will and Grace and laughed. We got shrimp and salads before our steak. Engrossed in our seafood and conversation, we didn't notice a waiter came up. "I can see that you're trying to watch what you eat, but you don't need to, because you're beautiful." Then he walked away, seeming a little shy but with dignity. His words didn't seem corny or insincere like guys trying to pick you up usually do. He wasn't our waiter and he didn't ask for a number. I didn't look particularly beautiful that night. And we were at a steak restaurant for gosh sake (watching what I eat??). But those words comforted me, and you can call me crazy, but I think that was my sign. Out of the blue, in the middle of dinner, some kind words gave me some hope that God was watching over me and trying give me some hope to hold on a bit longer. Or maybe He's just tired of listening to me complain. But I think it's the latter. :)


21 Guns
Green Day
Do you know what's worth fighting for,
When it's not worth dying for?
Does it take your breath away
And you feel yourself suffocating?
Does the pain weigh out the pride?
And you look for a place to hide?
Did someone break your heart inside?
You're in ruins

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

When you're at the end of the road
And you lost all sense of control
And your thoughts have taken their toll
When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul
Your faith walks on broken glass
And the hangover doesn't pass
Nothing's ever built to last
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I

Did you try to live on your own
When you burned down the house and home?
Did you stand too close to the fire?
Like a liar looking for forgiveness from a stone

When it's time to live and let die
And you can't get another try
Something inside this heart has died
You're in ruins.

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky

One, 21 guns
Lay down your arms
Give up the fight
One, 21 guns
Throw up your arms into the sky,
You and I